Finding my Identity

The dishes are done.
Dinner is cleaned up.
A load of laundry just finished in the washer.
Bubs is down for the night (but still whining).
Mister Man went to study.

And I'm here.

Sometimes I blog for me. To remind me of things that are more important and things I've neglected. This is one of those times.

Life is not always easy. I don't like sugar coating things. I don't like portraying the image that being a mom is a walk in the park. I don't feel right about trying to convince everyone I have it all together. Because I don't.

Every day I learn something new about myself. Oftentimes those lessons are hard to swallow.

I want alot of things.
I want to be perfect. I want to have it all together. I want my house to be clean every second of every day. I want to always be cheerful about doing the dishes, laundry, and cleaning the bathrooms. I want to spend hours studying my scriptures. I want to not worry about my bank account and not wonder if we'll have enough to pay all the bills next month. I want to be debt free. I want to know and understand deep doctrine of the gospel. I want to talk, visit, and spend time with friends without those moments of feeling awkward, feeling left out, not knowing where I fit in. I want to spend time reading blogs, finding new recipes, and staying in touch with friends, but I want to not be sucked in for hours on end. I want to be the perfect wife who has a fairy tale romance with her husband. I want to be gorgeous and skinny with perfect hair, skin, and makeup. I want people to like me.

I often want all of these things at the same time.

In reality, most of these things, in fact probably all of these things, are never going to happen all at once.

As a teenager I thought that after I got married, life would be easier.
I got married and life brought new challenges.
A couple years later I thought after I had a baby I would fit in more and relate better to people around me.
I had a baby and I'm still trying to identify where I fit in.

I worry about what people think of me.
What if I say the wrong thing? What if I do the wrong thing? What if I try to tell a story that I think is funny and it comes across super lame? What if I show up wearing the wrong outfit? What if I write something on my blog and it makes someone think differently about me?

I think part of life is identifying who you really are as a person. When I was a teenager I felt the identity of busy, dancer, outgoing, fun, girl. When I was in college I felt the identity of ballroom, teaching, boy crazy, and disliked by some of my roommates. Right after I got married I felt newly wed, good wife, good homemaker, invited others over alot, spent time with family, kept busy with school, taught in my own classroom.

Now that we've moved away from family and we've had a baby, I think I'm struggling a little more to find my identity. I'm struggling to understand where I fit in with my friends. I'm figuring out how to interact with people and not come across as young or immature. I'm learning how to be a mom and take care of my child in social situations. I'm still learning what my role is as a young women leader. I'm trying to figure out how to balance everything.

I really don't have it all together and I'm far from perfect.

All of these things get really overwhelming really quickly. Wouldn't it just be easier to not care what someone thinks of you? Never wonder what people are saying behind your back? Never second guess things you've said or done? My husband is really good at this. I'm not.

Lucky for me, in the bigger picture, many of these things really don't matter that much.

What matters is that I know I am a daughter of God. 

When I can look at myself in the mirror, recognize my greatness, realize my potential, and understand God's love for me, then other things will fall into place.

Who cares if my kitchen is a disaster, the laundry isn't done, the bathrooms haven't been cleaned for months, and my bank account is low. In the end, it doesn't matter.

Life is too short to be so worried and consumed about what other people think of me. Too short for me to focus on whether or not I said or wore the right thing.

What matters most is my relationship with Christ, Heavenly Father, my husband, and myself. 

I hope that as I continue on in this journey called life, I can learn the things I need to to bring me closer to my Savior and understanding God's plan for me. I think if I can do that, I will feel more peace and confidence in other situations. May each of you, if you so desire, strive to do the same.

Moroni 10:32

Yea, ^acome unto Christ, and be ^bperfected in him, and ^cdeny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and ^dlove God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be^eperfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God