Dear Bachelor Ben

Dear Bachelor Ben,

There are some things I thought you should know....

First of all, your hair is not attractive. It usually looks like you haven't showered, you don't own a comb, you've been wearing a hat all day, and you lost the phone number for your hair stylist. Please think about getting a hair cut. Soon. I think there's a good chance you might look a little less like a caveman and Francine from Arthur if you decide to cut it.

Next, whoever told you a bow-tie is stylish was wrong. Perhaps you should consider hiring someone else to make those decisions for you.

Now let's talk about the girls.

What happened with Kacie B.? I thought your first date with her was really romantic, special, and personal. You even talked about how you were in trouble with her because you liked her so much.

Hmm, I guess it is all about the bow chicka ow wow with you. Gross.

So, Courtney. Have you seen this video of her?

Not so sweet and innocent now, eh?

Although I'm not sure innocent and Courtney should ever be used in the same sentence.

Oh, and did she mention she's a model?

Remember those other contestants on previous seasons that were there to promote their career? You can add her to that list of people.

Do you not have any red flags when you talk to Courtney about the other girls? Maybe you have one or two because you constantly bring it up, yet you still keep her around. Have you noticed when you talk about it she's always looking around trying not to make eye contact? What about all the times the other girls came to talk to you about her? Who do you trust more? The majority, or the skank?

I think you want to be like Jake and Vienna.

So let's count how many times Courtney touches her hair from now til the next commercial break. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, (3 minutes have gone by) 17, 18, 19, 20. 21, 22, 23, 24, 25(touching his hair). 25 times in 6 minutes. Hair fetish?

Plus her top lip. Always pouting. Always biting. She's a really good liar. To you (Ben). I hope there was more to that "apology" than they actually showed on air.

Why do the girls always act so surprised when they get the Fantasy Suite cards? Have they never seen an episode of Bachelor or Bachelorette?

"Hunny Bunny??"

Okay, Emily, Ashley, Ali, cute. But the whole Titanic movie screening scene? So fake looking. Awkward too.
Dear Ali: let's work on your hair. 


Duh, Duh, Dunnnn. Here comes Kacie.
psst. Ben, your shirt and tie. Ew.

Ben, I feel like your explanation of your breakup with Kacie is showing how much you've changed, in a negative way, from the beginning of the show. I thought you were a classy, good boy, with relatively high standards. Now I think you're really more of a horny teenage boy who really doesn't care about love and doesn't care to heed the cautions of others.

Plus, you seem distracted all the time. And really rather boring.

Bachelor flop this season.

Can we see Emily's season now?