Non-runner running: My Story

For months I have been searching for something to define me. When I was younger it was dance. Then teaching kindergarten. Then I got pregnant, moved, and had a baby. I haven't found anything since to define me.

I'm not very good at crafting.

Sewing is not appealing.

Making jewelry takes too long and is too frustrating (and expensive).

Photography is not my passion.

Every Mormon mom knows how to cook.

Competitive dancing is unrealistic with a child (in my mind).

"School teacher" and "stay at home mom" can't belong in the same sentence (unless you're home schooling).

And the list could go on.

Then one day a friend of mine invited me to start walking with her in the mornings. It felt amazing to be moving my body and chatting with a friend. Soon after we started talking about running. Running 5k's. Then half marathon's. Then she posted this video on my facebook:

It struck a chord deep inside. From the moment the video began, I knew I had to run a half marathon. 

Then life hit. 

Hard.

I slacked off and stopped walking and running for a few days. My coping mechanism for the family turmoil I was experiencing became indulging in chocolate, sweets, snacks, and doing nothing. I gained a couple pounds and felt so emotionally and mentally drained I didn't want to function. This didn't last too long, but long enough for me to be really unhappy with myself. 

In the back of my mind I kept thinking about running. Wanting to, but not wanting to. Then one morning, with the support from my husband, I laced up my new shoes and took off for a run around the neighborhood. I had to take several walking breaks, but the defining moment was when I began jogging up a long, gradual hill. I pushed myself through the pain and didn't give up. I was so overcome with emotion when I reached the top, that a few tears came to my eyes. I believe it was a sort of a wake up call. 

I continued walking with my friend in the mornings and one night Scott and I decided to take a short run to grab a movie. Not wanting to look like a slacker, or weak, I tried to keep up with him. Lovingly, he kept a much slower pace than normal and stayed right by my side pushing me and encouraging me. Before I knew it, I had run nearly 3 miles without taking a walking break. 

I realized I was much stronger than I thought. 

In the days and weeks that followed, I started running when I could, which was mostly easy since Scott was on break from school. The week before he was to start classes again, he devised up a plan that had me running every morning before he left, and him running on campus between or after class. I was pretty hesitant, but I knew I wanted to run. Badly. It took me a couple weeks to get into a good groove and to realize I could wake up at 5:45 am to run. Every time my alarm clock beeped I thought: "If I don't get up and run, I will surely regret it. If I do get up and run, I'll be happy I did."

I still repeat that mantra every time my alarm beeps.

I've now been running consistently for 3 weeks. I don't consider myself a runner, yet. 

For me, running is free. 

It's an escape.

a coping mechanism.

something for me.

And symbolic of so many things in my life: 

my marriage

my little family

taking control of my life

When it gets hard, keep running.

When it hurts, keep running.

Fight through the pain and endure to the end. Never give up. You're stronger than you think.

Since I started running I have accomplished things I never thought possible. I never thought I would be able to run like I run. I never thought I would love running like I love it. I never thought I would crave going farther, pushing myself harder, just to beat my previous PR and see what my body is capable of. I never thought I would enjoy the physical pain that running can be. It helps numb the emotional pain that I've felt. When I think about the recent events that have happened, it only makes me fight harder. I feel conviction and passion. The anger and hurt fuels my body and pushes me forward. 

Running has given me confidence. I feel good about myself. I feel good about my body. I feel strong. I feel capable. I feel empowered.

Running for me is so much more than running.

It is everything I have been searching for.

It is everything I have been needing.

And boy, does it feel GOOD. 

p.s. I am officially signed up to run a 10k, another 5k, and a half marathon, between now and September. I'm so dang excited!