Wednesday Confessions

I taught my baby how to not bite me. Then 2 months later, when his teeth were razor sharp, he suddenly forgot. When he started biting again, and drawing blood and tears, I knew it was time.

We also have a big trip coming up. And I've started a new nanny job. Both me and Mister Man knew it was coming, but we kept delaying because we were not ready for days of screaming and crying.

I headed down to our local Walmart with baby in tow, and scoured the bottle aisle. Then I found these bad boys. A little strange, a little intriguing, and a little curious. Perhaps not meant for the colicky baby or for moms concerned about air bubbles. Later that day I tried giving the new bottle to Bubs. He played around with it for awhile, and then finally got real hungry and latched on super quick and chugged it down. Yay!

But, my problems didn't end.

A few nights later, when my sister was in town (thank goodness!), Bubs bite me so dang stinkin' hard he drew blood and lots of tears. I immediately left him home (with her) and drove to the grocery store. Crying. I knew two things:

1. I would not, could not, nurse a baby who bit me til I bled.
2. I am not as gifted as some people and I could pump and bottle feed all day long and still come up 6-8 ounces short. 

20 minutes later, I was back home and feeding my starving, exhausted, baby a bottle of formula.

On the way home from the store I cried. Bawled, in fact, on the phone with my dear sweet mother (since my hubby was studying). I knew I was doing the right thing, but it was so hard! I only know a couple people who have formula-fed their babies. Pretty much everyone I know, and certainly everyone around me, breast feeds. Which makes it a million times harder to give my baby formula...even if it's only 6-8 oz a day. I felt like people would judge me, criticize me, and tell me everything that's bad about formula and why I shouldn't use it. But sometimes there's not much of an option.

In reality I've spent the last 7 months nursing. And struggling. It wasn't easy from the start and certainly never got much easier. I also remember saying in the beginning that as soon as my baby has teeth, he's straight to a bottle. I went 2 1/2 months longer than that "promise." In the end, I know that breast milk is the absolute best for babies, but I also know that ultimately making sure my baby has enough milk and nutrients is the most important thing.

So I'm now supplementing with formula. I'm still pumping and giving him as much mommy milk as I can. We're still working on getting used to only bottles during the day and trying to nurse in the morning and sometimes at night, and he's doing pretty good! Some people may wonder why I don't just keep nursing, or perhaps even think it's selfish and maybe dumb that I'm not. But for me it's a huge stress relief. There's no more constant battle and frustration at meal time. No more tears, from me or my baby! I have felt a huge burden of stress lifted as we've made this decision.

It's still not easy. I still have to remind myself that formula is NOT bad. There are millions of babies who are born who just cannot have breast milk because of one thing or another. I think about the babies who have been adopted and there's not another option except formula. They still thrive and grow. Like I said before, breast milk is obviously the best, but formula is not a bad thing. As wonderful and trendy as it is to breast feed these days, I kinda wish there would be more reminders that it's not for all moms, and that some people just can't do it 100% of the time. I wish that I wouldn't have to feel nervous about feeding my baby formula in front of people. I wish that I wouldn't feel that pressure of "must nurse baby" and "formula is evil." Maybe that's why hospitals send you home with formula, companies mail you coupons, and Parents magazine has numerous ads about formula: because I'm not alone. Because there are more moms out there who feel the way I do and feel embarrassed about it. Or maybe it's because the formula companies aren't making as much money since breast feeding is so popular. Who knows. This world and society is so hypocritical. And I must admit, I'm definitely not exempt from having the "formula is bad" mentality. It took alot to overcome that and realize it was actually okay.

In any case, I know that what I'm doing is the best thing for me, for my baby, and for our family. And it's working for us. So here's to me getting this "formula is evil" complex out of my brain, and being confident in what I'm doing as a mom!

and aren't you glad I told ya? ;-)